


All Those Lessons

by cosmic_llin



Category: Holby City
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-25 21:09:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9844373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_llin/pseuds/cosmic_llin
Summary: Serena and Bernie navigate the beginning of their relationship.Missing scenes from The Kill List onward. (This fic will be ending at or around Just Get On With It, so Elinor is safe for the duration!)





	1. Between "The Kill List" and "Parasite"

Serena wasn't sure how long they kissed, but when they had stopped they sat together on the floor, hands clasped, and Bernie put her head on Serena's shoulder.

'Definitely staying,' Bernie said under her breath, and Serena let out a laugh that was half a sob.

'That would be nice,' she said.

Jason found the key quickly enough once there was an emergency on the ward that required their presence, and for the rest of the day they worked as if nothing had happened, but every time they were in the same room Serena couldn’t stop looking at Bernie, couldn’t stop smiling at Bernie, couldn’t stop her stomach flipping when Bernie smiled back.

The end of the day found them in the office again, and Serena suddenly felt shy, like a few hours earlier her fingers _hadn’t_  been inside the collar of Bernie’s scrubs.

‘Do you want to… get a drink?’ she asked.

‘Albie’s?’

Serena shook her head. ‘Not Albie’s, not tonight... Let’s go somewhere we can talk without anyone interrupting?’

‘I know somewhere,’ Bernie said.

The somewhere turned out to be a scruffy little pub that improbably still smelled of cigarettes after ten years of the smoking ban, and which had a wall of snug little booth tables. They slid into the one at the end with their glasses of wine, and Serena watched Bernie watching her.

‘So, you got me a present?’ she asked.

Bernie shrugged. ‘Yeah… I was going to give it to you this morning but I lost my nerve when Jason said you’d forgotten me…’

‘Bernie who?’ said Serena.

Bernie ducked her head, bit her lip.

‘God, I’m so glad you came back,’ Serena said. ‘I've missed you so much.’

‘I missed you too. Look, Serena… I really want to make a proper go of this. I mean, if that’s what you want. I don’t want to just… date and see what happens. I want to be with you. Not that we can’t take it slow, if that’s what you need, but I… I really want this, I really want you.’

'I don't want to take it slow,' Serena said.

Good grief, what was she doing? Taking it slow was a good idea, after everything that had happened. They were both still bruised, still a little afraid of each other. Hell, she wasn't just afraid of Bernie, she was terrified of herself, the way she was letting herself feel. She looked at Bernie, the slow smile starting at her eyes, and she felt giddy, not with excitement exactly but more like relief that it was all finally falling into place.

'No?' Bernie asked.

Serena shook her head. 'I don't want to waste another second.'

***

Outside the pub later, they kissed pressed up against Serena's car, Bernie's hips against the driver's side window, Serena's hands on Bernie's shoulders, Bernie's coat buttons digging into Serena's neck. Something like triumph was ringing through Serena, having Bernie Wolfe exactly where she wanted her.

Bernie's teeth tugged gently at her lip and she gasped, fingers curling. She leaned into Bernie, letting her take a little more of her weight, and Bernie's knee slid between her legs.

Serena's lungs emptied themselves in a rush, and she fell against Bernie.

'Too much?' Bernie asked, dropping her leg again and pulling away just enough to let her mouth form words instead of kisses.

'Yes. No. I don't know.'

They stopped for a moment. Serena could feel Bernie's breath against her cheek. Bernie's arm was around her waist, reassuringly tight.

'It's getting late,' she said.

Bernie nodded.

'It's not that I don't... I mean, this is...'

'We both have work in the morning,' Bernie said. 'If we go home together now, we won't get a wink of sleep.'

'No, you're right,' said Serena, relieved and disappointed at once. This was the adult thing to do. Get plenty of sleep, work at maximum efficiency tomorrow. Couldn't risk patient safety just because you wanted to stay awake all night because how could you miss even a second of this feeling?

'Meet for coffee before we start, though?' she asked.

'Yeah, I'd like that,' said Bernie, and she kissed Serena one last sweet, beautiful time before heading back to her own car.

***

Serena almost ran through a red light on the way home. She got back, dumped her handbag by the door, got changed, brushed her teeth, got into bed with the memory of Bernie's knee parting her thighs playing over and over. With the lights turned off, she lay there wide awake. What was Bernie doing now? Was she thinking of Serena? Was her skin still hot from when they had touched? Was she lying there counting the minutes until morning?

Over and over, the same moment - Bernie's hand curved against the back of her neck, her body close, solid, warm, their mouths meeting, and then that shocking feeling, that electricity even through layers of clothing, Bernie's leg between hers, her knees wobbling, the feel of Bernie's thigh pressing where she already ached.

For a moment Serena thought about jumping back in the car, pyjamas on, no make-up, and driving to find Bernie, finishing what they'd started. But that would be ridiculous. Silly, juvenile behaviour.

But she couldn't stop her fingers from slinking downward, making swift, sure strokes until she shuddered to a finish and slept almost right away.

***

'I couldn't stop thinking about you last night,' she said when they met for coffee before work the next morning.

Part of her wanted to be brazen enough to say _I had an orgasm last night, imagining you touching me_ , but she wasn't. But the way Bernie blushed and smiled suggested that she got the picture.

'Me neither,' she said. 'Are you doing anything after work tonight?'

'Free as a bird.'

'Come over? We'll get a takeaway?'

'I'd love to.'

Another day dragged by. Serena dodged Jason and Fletch's questions, tried to be as professional as was expected of her, watched Bernie trying to do the same.

'We could just tell them all,' Bernie said, once they were installed on her sofa, boxes of Chinese takeaway half-empty on the coffee table in front of them.

'Maybe we could decide _what_ we'd tell them, before we think about that?' Serena asked. 'I mean...'

'Well, obviously,' said Bernie, 'we'll tell them the truth - I seduced you and now we're sapphic lovers.'

'Technically we aren't yet,' Serena pointed out.

'Play your cards right,' said Bernie, and all of Serena's blood rushed to her face. 'So... we could tell them you're my... girlfriend?'

Serena grimaced. 'Not girlfriend. It sounds a bit... young.'

'Are you saying we're old?'

'No, but... not girlfriend-young.'

'Partners?'

'Sounds like we run a law firm, or a detective agency.'

'We could, if we wanted to. Wolfe and Campbell, private investigators?'

'We'd be terrible at it.'

'Speak for yourself!'

Serena sighed. 'Why aren't there better words for this? I suppose "partner" is probably the best of a bad lot. But let's give it a bit before we tell people, anyway?'

'Whatever you like,' said Bernie easily.

She leaned over to get another prawn cracker, and Serena watched her. She was still in her work clothes, and there was a huge kink in her hair from where it'd been scraped into a stubby ponytail all day. There was black bean sauce on her cheek, because apparently a woman who could successfully perform life-saving surgery on a dusty roadside couldn't reliably get noodles into her mouth using chopsticks. That suddenly struck Serena as the most endearing thing she'd ever heard.

She shuffled forward and licked the sauce away.

'You had a bit of...' she began, but then Bernie was kissing her and she was kissing back and unzipping Bernie's hoodie with a sudden urgent need, and Bernie's hands were sliding under her top and Bernie was on top of her on the sofa and she thought _I am about to have sex with Bernie_ and then _I am about to have sex with a woman_ and then a sudden tremor of fear that she would somehow do it wrong, but there didn't seem to be anything for it except to keep going, barrel through and hope that she had the right idea.

Bernie made soft, desperate noises to guide her, and after a while she forgot to be nervous anyway, she forgot to be anything except hands and mouth and voice and sliding limbs and beating heart. And it wasn't perfect, except it was, and the next time would be even better.

'Do you know how beautiful you look right now?' Bernie asked, in the quiet afterwards.

'Hair all over the place, framed by boxes of congealing takeaway?'

'Yeah. And the answer is "incredibly", by the way.'

'Stop it, you'll make me blush.'

'I like you to blush.'

'Yes, well, now I am, so you've got your wish. Happy?'

'Very.'

***

They hadn't undressed all the way, and when they went up to bed and Bernie gave Serena an oversized t-shirt to sleep in, she changed in the bathroom. After she'd washed her face and brushed her teeth with her finger she came back out, crawled into the bed, set the alarm on her phone and texted Jason goodnight while Bernie used the bathroom.

Bernie emerged - she'd changed in the bathroom too, into a tank top and shorts - and slid under the covers beside Serena. Serena turned to face her, and they looked at each other, giddy smiles matching.

'This is nice,' said Bernie.

It had been a while since Serena had shared a bed with anyone. Bernie fell asleep fast and moved a lot, feet and elbows and hands going all over the place, surprising her, but after the first few times Serena only woke up long enough to think _there's Bernie_ before falling asleep again.


	2. Before, during and after "Parasite"

Serena had been picturing a romantic breakfast together, but on inspection it turned out that Bernie's fridge was almost totally empty. She rummaged in the cupboards until she found some pop tarts, stuck them in the toaster for a minute, and brought them to Bernie in bed.

‘You’ve missed your calling,’ said Bernie. ‘Have you ever thought of applying to be on MasterChef?’

It wasn’t even funny, but today everything seemed to be worth smiling about.

There was something exciting and intimate about getting ready for the day in Bernie’s flat - using her shampoo, her towels. Serena stood under the hot shower, wishing that she didn’t have to wash away the scent of Bernie on her skin, closing her eyes and trying to remember every moment of the night before. She almost called Bernie in to join her, but there was work to think of. After she had showered she wrapped herself in the towel and wandered back to the bedroom, where Bernie was still in her nightclothes.

‘Hairdryer?’ she asked.

‘I never usually bother,’ said Bernie, but she rummaged under the bed until she found one, and then handed it to Serena, stopping her for a brief kiss before sauntering off to shower herself.

***

They were more than half an hour early for work, in spite of a stop at Serena’s place to pick up a clean blouse. They got out of the car, and Serena had a sudden vision of how it would look - the two of them, arriving together, first thing in the morning. Tongues would wag. She regretted it the instant that she pulled her hand away from Bernie’s, but she didn’t reach out to take it again.

She tried all morning to be discreet, to act like it was just another ordinary day, but she couldn't help it - her good mood spilled over into everything she did. She handed out compliments like sweets, smiled at everyone who came onto the ward, patient or staff. She practically danced between their office and the desk when Morven called her over to look at some CT scans.

'If you don't mind me saying, Ms Campbell, you seem really happy today,' said Morven, while Serena swiped through the images.

'Well, top marks for observation,' said Serena. 'It just so happens that I'm having rather a good week.'

'I don't mean to be intrusive,' Morven continued, 'but... we're all really thrilled for you and Ms Wolfe, and we just wanted you to know that we support you one hundred per cent.'

Serena stopped, put the tablet down on the desk to fold her arms and look at Morven. 'Who exactly is "we"?'

'Oh, just... everyone. You know.'

'Just everyone.'

'Uh... yeah.'

'Well, thank you, Doctor Digby, it's appreciated. Now perhaps we can get back to doing some work?'

'Yeah, yes, of course, sorry. Um… I was thinking, based on these scans, probably surgery is our best option.’

‘I agree. Get it sorted, then.’

‘Yes, Ms Campbell.’ Morven picked up the tablet and hurried away, but she winked - actually winked! - at Serena on her way past.

***

'It seems the cat's well and truly out of the bag,' Serena said, coming into the office.

Bernie was sitting at her desk, going through some notes, and Serena sighed at the sight of her, her little frown of concentration.

'Oh?' she asked, looking up. Her face broke into a wide, welcoming smile.

'I just had Morven come over and congratulate us on behalf of the entire staff from the board downwards, pretty much. I was hoping we could keep it quiet just a bit longer than that.'

Back to the frown again. 'You're not ashamed, are you?'

'Ashamed? No, no, it's not that. Scared, maybe. Overwhelmed? I don't know... I feel as though we've taken this huge leap and there hasn't even been a chance to catch our breaths and take it all in. I just would have liked a bit of privacy, maybe just for five minutes.’

Bernie shrugged. 'That's hospitals for you. It'll calm down. And it's nice that they care.'

'You're right, you're right.' Serena perched on the edge of Bernie's desk, and Bernie reached out to link their fingers together. ‘Honestly, it doesn’t help that in the past I’ve been fairly scathing about workplace relationships… I don’t want everyone to think I’m a hypocrite.’

‘Oh, Serena… I mean, they sort of have a point… you don’t mind, do you?’

‘Well, I feel a little foolish about it but I shall grin and bear it, given that I’ve got what I wanted.’

‘That’s the spirit!’

For a moment they just looked at each other, and Bernie smiled in that slow, seductive way, and Serena’s stomach flip-flopped.

'By the way,’ she said, to keep herself from leaping into Bernie’s arms there and then, ‘Jason wants us to have you over for dinner one night this week.'

'I'd love that.'

‘And speaking of Jason… if we’re going to do this, we can’t keep being as all over the place as we have been the last few days. He needs a routine, he needs to know who’s around when…’

‘I know. Don’t worry. The three of us can talk about it when I come for dinner. We’ll work something out that suits everyone.’

‘Jason will be so pleased. He’s very excited about all this.’

‘I know how he feels. Anyway… back to work?’

‘Yes, you’re right, things to do…’

Bernie squeezed Serena’s hand, and Serena floated over to her next patient as if she was in a dream.

***

'So... you said earlier that you're scared,' said Bernie, as she drove Serena home, after they’d finished at Albie’s at a decently early hour and sent Cameron off home too. 'Should we talk about it?'

Serena looked out at the street lights streaking past. 'Aren't you scared?'

'Yeah, terrified. For a lot of the same reasons, I'm guessing. I know I had Alex, but apart from that… this is almost as new for me as it is for you.’

‘So there wasn’t ever anyone before that?’

Bernie laughed. ‘No. Not that I didn’t think about it. Looking back, it was something I knew about myself for a long time. Too scared to do anything about it though, or even admit it to myself, until Alex. And until you. I feel like with you I can be brave.’

Serena would have kissed her right then and there if she hadn’t been driving.

‘Me too,’ she said, instead.

‘So?’ asked Bernie. ‘Did you always know, or…?’

‘Do you know,’ said Serena, ‘I don’t really... You’ll think this is terribly naive of me, but I just never… I sort of thought that all girls looked at other girls that way, and it didn’t mean anything unless you did something about it. And… I never did.’

‘Serena, that is so…’

‘Ridiculous?’

‘I mean, that’s one word for it. Here we are...’

They were turning into Serena’s road - how had that happened so fast? Serena almost wanted to tell Bernie to go around the block again, to stay in this cocoon, sharing each other’s secrets. But there was Jason to think of, and they both needed sleep, to be at their sharpest tomorrow.

‘I’d better go in,’ she said, when Bernie pulled up outside the house. ‘See you tomorrow.’

‘See you tomorrow,’ Bernie said.

She leaned close and they met halfway, and when Serena finally waved goodbye and closed the front door, she realised that they’d sat in the car, kissing, for more than twenty minutes. She laughed, leaned back against the door for a moment and closed her eyes. She could still taste Bernie on her lips.


	3. Between "Parasite" and "Glass Houses"

They had dinner with Jason, worked out a plan that more or less suited all parties, and began to settle into a routine - nights at Bernie's, nights at Serena's, nights apart. Bernie seemed to appreciate the order and predictability almost as much as Jason did, and if Serena occasionally wished for a bit more spontaneity, it was still sort of warm and delicious, on the right day, to wake up in the morning knowing for sure that Bernie would be there at the end of it.

At work, it was easier to keep it professional, knowing that they were always counting down to their next evening together. Not that they didn't steal the occasional kiss in their office, or flirt over a chart on the ward, but Serena thought they were doing an admirable job of putting up a dignified front, especially considering the fact that what she really wanted was to jump on Bernie and wrestle her out of her scrubs, more or less every time she saw her. But it was important to project the appropriate image on the ward, and she didn’t want to fuel the inevitable gossip any more than they already were.

Everything would have been perfect, except that reality kept intruding. There was still work to do, usually more work than they really had time for, and some days they barely saw each other at all in spite of working in the same few square feet of the same floor of the same building. And then there were practicalities to deal with. More time with Bernie meant less time for chores and errands. Staying over at Bernie's meant bringing clothes and toiletries to keep there, and making arrangements for Jason. And then there was the monumental task of telling other people about their relationship.

* * *

The phone call to Elinor went about as well as Serena had expected, which was to say, not very well at all. After she hung up, she resisted the urge to throw her mobile out the window, and instead went back into Bernie's front room, where she dropped to her knees and faceplanted into the sofa.

'That good, eh?'

'Oh, better!' Serena said, muffled in the cushions.

Bernie rubbed her back gently. 'She'll come around,' she said. 'Give her time. It's a lot to take in.'

'It shouldn't be,' said Serena crossly. 'If it was one of her uni friends she wouldn't bat an eyelid, but apparently it's not all right for me.'

'Be fair, Serena. It's never nice to have to contemplate that your parents might actually have had sex. I'm sure Cam and Charlotte still think Marcus and I did it exactly twice, to conceive them, and then abstained forevermore.'

'It's not as though I'm asking her to listen to the scandalous details.'

'Hey, don't worry about it now, yeah? Give her a few days and see.'

Serena rolled over to look at her. 'You're probably right.'

'Of course I am, it's me. How about you let me... distract you a bit?'

'Tell me more...'

‘Well,’ said Bernie, ‘I can do a great impression of a helicopter.’

‘Not  _quite_  what I had in mind…’

‘Or there’s this,’ said Bernie, leaning down and tilting Serena’s face up to kiss her.

‘Bit more like it,’ said Serena. ‘Keep going…’

‘And this…’ Bernie kissed her longer. ‘And this…’ She pulled her up onto the sofa, and slid into her lap.

‘This is definitely helping,’ said Serena. ‘Do continue.’

* * *

Serena was learning all kinds of things about having sex with women in general, and Bernie in particular. There were so many ways it could go, so many different things they could do. There didn’t seem to be just one main… thing, with everything else as a kind of less important consolation prize. It could last for ages, and sometimes you got more than one orgasm. And you could both get off at the same time, or you could take it in turns.

Serena liked when they took turns even better than when they didn't. There was something almost magical about focusing entirely on Bernie's needs and wants, letting the rest of the world fall away and losing herself in Bernie's helpless cries, the sight of her fists clenched in the sheets - and then, miracle of miracles, reciprocity that didn't feel in any way grudging, or like a favour she'd have to pay for later. She could let herself go completely with Bernie, because Bernie was as intent on Serena's pleasure as Serena was on hers.

She'd never had a lover like Bernie. She'd never been shy about articulating what she wanted, but Bernie actually paid attention to what she wanted and then did it. None of her male partners had ever reached that point without some serious coaching, and some of them not at all. Sometimes Bernie seemed already to know her body better than she did herself, and even when she didn’t, she wanted to learn.

God, it was bliss.

* * *

'I think we should go on a date,' said Bernie sleepily, as they lay curled together beneath the covers. 'You, me, maybe even holding hands in a public place?'

'Steady on,' said Serena. She winked, to show she felt all right about it, but she wasn’t sure she did entirely.

'I mean, we haven't really yet, not a real one - we just go from work to Albie's to your place to my place and back again. One of these days we have to see how it feels to be a couple out in the real world.'

'That does sound like it might be nice,' Serena conceded. 'Where would we go?'

Bernie shrugged. ‘I’ve always quite liked the zoo.’

'In December?'

'Why not? It's still open, isn't it?'

'Bit chilly...'

'Don't worry,' said Bernie. 'If you get too cold I'll warm you up.'

And really, how could Serena say no to that?

* * *

The closest thing they had to time off together was Serena’s next free day, when Bernie wasn’t working until lunchtime. Enough time for at least a quick visit.

As negotiated, they held hands on the way into the zoo. Bernie only let go to rummage in her purse and pay for both of their tickets, after a brief whispered argument about who was treating who, and then she wrapped her hand around Serena's again to walk through the turnstile and into the wide courtyard just inside the entrance, where children were playing and people were eating hot doughnuts in the winter sunshine.

Serena felt a little silly, a little shy, but mostly sort of smug. She was here with Bernie – wonderful, beautiful Bernie – and everyone could see it. 

She spotted one or two people openly staring, and a few more giving them sideways glances, but it just made her feel daring. She looked right back at one of the starers, a man around their age, gave him her finest most intimidating glare, and he turned quickly away, embarrassed to be caught.

'God, he looked terrified,' said Bernie, squeezing her hand.

'Serves him right,' said Serena. She felt absurdly powerful considering all she'd done was give somebody a dirty look.

'Let’s go and look at the giant tortoises,' said Bernie.

They stayed hand in hand all around the zoo, from the giant tortoises to the red pandas to the tropical birds. Serena liked it more and more the longer they did it.

It was funny, she hated the thought of people at work speculating about them. Her blood boiled at the idea of people discussing her, looking at her and wondering things. Knowing that people had been laughing at her while Bernie was gone had made her want to crawl into her office, lock the door and never come out onto the ward. Even with everyone being so nice now, she still sometimes felt a little like hiding.

But here, in front of all these people, she could walk hand in hand with Bernie all day and only feel glad. Maybe it was because they didn’t know her, or maybe it was because it wasn’t at work. Going-to-the-zoo Serena didn’t have the same pressure on her that AAU Serena did, the same need to constantly prove that she was worthy. Going-to-the-zoo Serena was brave and open and didn’t care who saw her being affectionate with her partner.

‘I like being Zoo Serena,’ she announced, as they peered down into the lion enclosure. She leaned across the small space that divided them and kissed Bernie’s cheek.

Bernie turned to look at her, raised her eyebrows. ‘I like Zoo Serena too,’ she said.

They walked down to the penguin enclosure, talking about nothing much. When they got there, on the other side of the penguins’ pool, there were two younger women, perhaps in their twenties, holding hands just like they were.

‘Look!’ hissed Serena. ‘Look, at two o’ clock.’

Bernie peered, frowned, found them. ‘More like one o’ clock,’ she observed.

‘Oh, shut up. Don’t they look happy?’

Bernie looked. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Yeah, they do. I bet we do, too.’

She wrapped her arm around Serena’s waist and pulled her closer. Just then, one of the other women spotted them. She nudged her partner, and they both gave Serena and Bernie a brief smile before looking back at the penguins.

Serena smiled back for a good few seconds after they’d looked away.

They had to cut their trip short after the penguins. Serena drove Bernie to work, kissed her goodbye in the car park and wished her a good shift. She drove home, thinking about the other couple they’d seen. It had been sort of exciting, to see and be seen that way.

Maybe when she got in she’d have a look at the calendar, see when they could go on another real date.


	4. Between "Glass Houses" and "Hallelujah"

Their schedules didn’t allow much room for real dates in the next few days. If they hadn’t been working so closely they would barely have seen each other. The ward was getting busier in the run-up to Christmas, with the usual festive drinking injuries ramping up, as well as the winter weather taking its inevitable toll.

On the busiest day so far, they were both there, exchanging occasional smiles across a crowded ward, dividing lists of patients with practised ease, both of them brisk and competent and cheerful. Once, Serena ducked into their office for a moment to catch her breath and found a still-warm coffee waiting on her desk for her. She left Bernie a Twix in return, and when she returned a while later to fetch some paperwork it was gone.

She was feeling buoyant enough that the heavy workload wasn’t dragging her down, until it happened.

They’d disagreed before, of course, but this was the first time they’d seriously clashed on the ward since Bernie had come back. It was over a patient they’d both had some contact with, two contrasting and mutually incompatible treatment options, both more or less equally valid – the sort of argument they’d had plenty of times when they were just colleagues, just friends, and forgotten by the time they were at the bar at Albie’s.

But they weren’t just colleagues and friends any more, and this was their first real fight. Raised voices, frowns, sideways glances from the nurses, a feeling like suddenly being dunked in cold water.

Serena was so thrown by it, by being on the receiving end of Bernie’s relentlessness, that she gave in, let her have her way, and spent the rest of the afternoon worrying that she’d made the wrong decision, convincing herself that if the patient deteriorated it would be all her fault for letting her feelings for Bernie cloud her judgment. When they caught each other’s eyes across the ward, they didn’t smile, and they barely spoke for the rest of the day.

Naturally the patient was fine, because Bernie was Bernie, but worrying about it threw Serena’s whole day off-kilter, and by the time she should have been ready to leave, she was still drowning under a pile of urgent paperwork.

‘Time to go home?’ Bernie said, coming into the office and fetching her coat from the hook.

Serena shook her head. ‘I can’t yet, I’ve still got to finish this.’

‘I can hang around until…’

‘No, no, you get going, I’ll see you later.’

They were supposed to be at Serena’s tonight, but she half-wondered if Bernie would change her mind and just go back to her flat.

‘Oh… shall I drive Jason back, then? He’s waiting for you.’

‘Oh god, his shift finished half an hour ago… could you?’

‘Of course.’

‘Thanks.’

They kissed goodbye, but it felt uncertain, brisk and perfunctory as if neither of them really wanted to linger.

After Bernie had left, Serena had a little cry while she ploughed through her to-do list.  

* * *

When Serena finally got home, she opened the door to the sound of weapons fire and whooping coming from the living room. She stood in the doorway for a few moments, gathering herself.

‘Come on, Serena,’ she told herself crossly.

She drew herself up, closed the door behind her, walked in to find Bernie and Jason both sitting on the floor, inches from the TV, PlayStation controllers in their hands. Bernie was swearing colourfully.

‘It’s not good for your eyes, sitting so close,’ Serena commented.

Bernie looked up, dropped the controller.

‘Bernie!’ Jason protested. ‘At least warn me so I can pause?’

‘Sorry, Jason,’ Bernie said.

She stood up, took Serena’s hand. ‘Look, I’m sorry about earlier,’ she said.

‘Me too,’ said Serena, and the moment it was said, she suddenly felt as though there was enough air to breathe again.

‘Um… how was the end of your shift?’ Bernie asked.

‘Bloody awful,’ said Serena. ‘But never mind.’

‘Well, sit down, take your coat off, Jason and I between us have created an amazing dinner that should be ready any minute…’

‘Takeaway?’

‘I’m hurt!’ Bernie winked. ‘No, actually it’s baked potatoes, with cheesy beans.’

‘Do you know, that sounds incredible.’

Bernie helped Serena out of her coat, pushed her gently down onto the sofa and disappeared into the kitchen to check on the potatoes. Jason turned back to the PlayStation – they’d recently implemented a standing rule that Serena didn’t talk to him until he’d finished whatever mission he was in the middle of, and their eventual conversations were as a result much more enjoyable for both of them.

It was quite nice to have a few moments of quiet to settle back into being at home. Serena closed her eyes. The sounds from Jason’s game, the smell of potatoes baking, the knowledge that she didn’t have to leave the house again for hours and hours… it had been a long time since she’d enjoyed being there as much as she did these days.

* * *

They ate their potatoes in front of an iPlayer documentary about underwater archaeology, and when they’d finished Serena curled up on the sofa and leaned her head on Bernie’s shoulder, and when Jason went up to bed they raided the biscuit tin and half-watched Points West.

‘Look, about earlier…’ Bernie began.

Serena smiled. ‘It’s all right.’

‘Is it? I don’t know… I know I’ve already hurt you more than once, without meaning to. And today, I just… charged in…’

‘Well, you wouldn’t be Bernie Wolfe if you didn’t.’

She wanted to say _and it’s Bernie Wolfe I fell in love with_ , but since Bernie’s return, they hadn’t discussed the L-word. In spite of how well everything was going, Serena was a little afraid to bring it up. She felt it all the time, waiting to spill out, her mouth opening to say it, but she kept a lid on it. Probably not healthy. But oh, everything was so good, everything was finally going right, and for once she was determined not to be the one to rock the boat.

‘Look,’ she said, instead, ‘we’ve disagreed before.’

‘I know, but that was…’

‘It didn’t ever ruin our friendship, and it won’t ruin this. We can’t stop doing our jobs properly just in case we upset each other. Neither of us has ever been one to back down from a fight, and we can’t start now.’

Bernie sighed, ran a hand through her hair. ‘You’re right. I just… everything’s been so good these last few weeks, and I think earlier I just… scared myself a bit. But I don’t want to make the same mistakes as before. I don’t want to run away from every feeling that scares me. So you’re right… I want us to be able to argue sometimes. Not that I _want_ to argue, but I want…’

‘You want us to be able to disagree when we disagree, without the world ending.’

‘Yeah.’

‘I think the only way to do it is to keep practising. Maybe we’ll get the hang of it.’

‘Yeah, you’re probably right,’ said Bernie. ‘I suppose we’re going to have plenty of opportunities in the years to come.’

And in Bernie-speak, a language Serena was becoming increasingly comfortable with, that meant _I’m in this for the long haul, and I’m glad you are too_.

* * *

They went to bed. No sex tonight, they were both tired and they had an early start tomorrow, but Serena watched Bernie change into her pyjamas, the ones she kept here now, and thought about how only a few weeks ago they’d been nervous to undress in front of each other.

They got into bed, kissed goodnight, turned off the lights.

‘All that stuff I said,’ said Bernie, after a minute or two.

Serena, half asleep already, turned over to look at her through barely open eyes. ‘Which stuff specifically?’

‘In the office. Before. When I came back. About how in Ukraine I couldn’t think about anything but you, and how lonely I felt without you and how I… more than like you.’

‘Yes?’

‘Well… what I was trying to tell you was that… I love you.’

It shouldn’t have mattered this much. Bernie already showed her what she meant to her a thousand times a day in small ways. She made her _feel_ loved, and more than that, she made her feel understood, appreciated, taken care of. And it was wonderful, and it was enough, more than enough.

But this, hearing Bernie’s small, hesitant voice actually say the words, oh, this still made Serena’s heart sing.

‘You don’t have to say it back,’ said Bernie. ‘I know I haven’t…’

‘Bernie, don’t be silly. I love you too,’ Serena said.

‘Well… good. I’m glad.’

‘So am I.’

After that Serena dozed off, and if Bernie moved around in her sleep, it didn’t wake her.


	5. Between "Hallelujah" and "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

‘Well,’ said Serena, as they retreated from the sound of Cameron and Morven’s yelling, ‘unless a lot’s changed since our day, I don’t think what they’re doing in there is going to win you that bet.’

‘We’ll see,’ said Bernie. ‘Anyway, what do you mean, our day? It’s still our day! Or have you forgotten last night?’

‘Ssh!’ Serena protested, blushing, her eyes darting to meet Bernie’s and then away again. ‘Let’s get back to the business at hand, shall we?’

‘The theatre schedule?’

‘No, no - Christmas. We still have to work out who’s going where when.’

‘Oh God, do we have to? Can’t we just pretend there’s no such thing as Christmas?’

‘We can’t do that, when am I supposed to give you your present?’

 _Shit_ , Bernie thought. _We’re supposed to get each other presents._

She’d already done shopping for the kids and the other relatives, but in the heady whirl of new love and Christmas overtime she’d sort of forgotten that she ought to get something for Serena too. But it was all right, there was still more than a week to go. Plenty of time, as long as she started looking now.

* * *

Cameron was no help.

‘How am I supposed to know what she’d want?’ he asked. ‘She’s twice my age and I don’t even know her!’

‘I’m twice your age and you always get me nice presents,’ Bernie pointed out.

‘Yeah, but you’re my mum, and you like getting the same thing every year. Serena…’

‘Ms Campbell to you.’

‘... Ms Campbell seems like she might like something a bit more spontaneous. And by the way, if we _are_ going to all do Christmas together, I can’t keep calling her Ms Campbell while we’re on the sofa watching the Doctor Who special with a tin of Quality Street.’

‘Oh, Cam, why is this all so bloody complicated? You’ve dated more recently than I have - what do you get somebody when you’ve been in love with them for months but you only actually got together a few weeks ago? I don’t want to do the wrong thing and look like an idiot!’

‘If you’ve been together less than a few months,’ Cameron said with authority, ‘it’s got to be something thoughtful but not too massive. Like, something that shows you’ve been paying attention when she talks, but not something so extravagant it’s awkward.’

‘Like what?’

He shrugged. ‘How do I know? Ask Google.’

Back at her flat, after dropping Cameron off home at a sensible time, Bernie switched on her laptop, blew away the dust that had accumulated on it, and worked her way through her mental checklist of things Serena liked.

Shiraz, obviously. But it lacked originality.

Classical music, but Bernie wouldn’t even know where to start, and a Classic FM Best Of CD seemed a bit pathetic.

Cutting-edge medicine. If they’d still been just friends, Bernie might have got her a subscription to an interesting journal or something, but was that romantic enough, or at all? Did it say “I don’t know anything about you except that we work together”?

Then there were the designer clothes, the scarves, the perfumes, but Bernie didn’t trust herself to pick something that Serena wouldn’t return the next day.

She liked jewellery, when she had a chance to wear it, but that probably came under the category of “so extravagant it’s awkward”, or at least it was close enough that Bernie was worried.

A search for “unusual gifts” threw up mostly total crap. You could get almost anything monogrammed, but why _would_ you? And everything that wasn’t monogrammed seemed to need you to download an app before you could use it.

There had to be _something_ that Serena would like and that would show her how much Bernie cared about her.

* * *

‘If you were Bernie,’ Serena said to Ric, as they walked upstairs to a meeting together, ‘what would you want for Christmas?’

‘You’re cutting it a bit fine, aren’t you?’

‘There’s still almost a week, that’s what next-day delivery’s for.’

‘But you don’t know yet.’

‘I’ve got… ideas.’

‘And they are…?’

She sighed, shook her head. ‘Uniformly terrible. And every gift she’s ever given me so far has been perfect. And I’ve never given her anything at all yet. It’s a lot of pressure.’

‘Well, did you ask her?’

‘She hasn’t asked me. I don’t want to look like I’m the only one who doesn’t know what I’m doing.’

‘But… you _don’t_ know what you’re doing.’

‘Very helpful, Ric, thank you. I’ll take that on board.’

‘Always a pleasure,’ he grinned, ducking the punch she aimed at his arm.

* * *

The next day, Bernie was in surgery all morning, and when she emerged it was to find AAU a disaster zone - half a football team whose van had overturned on the way to their team party, the victims of a food poisoning incident at a nativity play, and one drunk, concussed Father Christmas. Serena was in the middle of everything, looking frazzled but directing operations with her usual briskness.

‘You look like you could do with a break,’ Bernie said, giving her hand a quick squeeze.

‘I’ve needed a break for about the last four years,’ Serena said. ‘But I’m glad you’re here.’

‘Go on,’ said Bernie. ‘Nip out for five minutes, get some fresh air. I’ll stay on top of things.’

Serena nodded gratefully, handed over her clipboard and headed towards the doors. Bernie watched her go for a moment, thoughtful, then turned to deal with the situation at hand.

* * *

Serena paused at the door long enough to see Bernie’s grin of satisfaction as she plunged into the breach. She had such a sense of adventure about medicine - about everything, really. It made Serena less afraid to be adventurous too.

She retreated to the roof, spent a few minutes breathing the cold air and watching the comings and goings in the car park. From above, it was all Santa hats and tinsel, and people glad to be leaving hospital in time to spend Christmas with their families. And she was getting to spend it with Bernie.

Whether she found a good present or not, there was that.

‘Welcome back,’ said Bernie when she came back down, with a broad smile for Serena in spite of the five things she was doing at once and the heavy smell of vomit in the air.

‘Delighted to be here,’ said Serena, and the two of them got back to work.


	6. Around "The Nightmare Before Christmas" and "Just Get On With It"

Serena had eyed the mistletoe wistfully all day, since Morven had first hung it there.

She kept having visions of kissing Bernie underneath it, but that was obviously impossible. It was right in the middle of the ward, where everyone could see. But every time she walked past it, she thought about it.

It was just a plant and an outdated tradition, not to mention a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. She wasn’t even sure why she’d let Morven put it up. A moment of weakness brought on by an excess of festive cheer.

By the time they gathered to play poker with Artie, she’d given it up as a lost cause. But halfway through their game she went to the vending machine to get snacks, and when she returned the ward was quiet, patients sleeping, nurses busy elsewhere, and Bernie was standing by the Nurses’ Station all by herself. She caught Serena’s gaze, tilted her head up at the mistletoe, made that mischievous face that Serena could never resist. Serena walked towards her, dropped the snacks on the desk. Bernie reached out and drew Serena in with an arm around her waist.

‘I just wanted to see you for a minute, just the two of us,’ she said. ‘Before it all kicks off.’

The next time they saw each other it would be Christmas morning. The two of them were spending it with Jason, before Ellie, Cam and Charlotte arrived in the afternoon, having spent the morning with their respective fathers. Even in her most optimistic mood Serena was expecting a tense and awkward day.

‘I like that idea,’ she said.

She glanced at the mistletoe, almost directly above them. Bernie grinned.

The kiss tasted of coffee and chocolate coins, warm and sweet and rich, and Serena slid her arms around Bernie’s waist, drew her closer to feel the shape of Bernie fitting in against the shape of herself. Bernie made a soft noise into her mouth, and Serena kissed her harder, her breath catching as Bernie’s fingers brushed the back of her neck.

The sound of a door opening in the distance startled them apart.

‘We should get back to the poker game,’ said Serena.

* * *

Christmas day was about as dreadful as anticipated. The morning with Jason went fairly smoothly - Allan had emailed over some tips on navigating special occasions and the three of them had negotiated their morning routine in advance - but when the other three kids descended, things rapidly went downhill. Elinor was snotty and sarcastic, Charlotte was brittle and uncommunicative, and Cameron at least made an effort but clearly wished he could be anywhere else.

When they had disappeared in different directions for the evening, and Jason had headed up to decompress in his room, Serena turned and made a face, and without being asked, Bernie topped her wine glass almost up to the brim.

‘It could have been worse,’ she said, as the two of them flopped back onto the sofa.

Serena let out one short, sharp laugh. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I suppose it could have been.’

‘Let’s not worry about it now,’ said Bernie. ‘Let’s finish this wine and watch a bit of Christmas telly.’

‘Excellent idea,’ said Serena. ‘And… I almost forgot to give you your present.’

She retrieved the gold envelope from the bookshelf and laid it on the coffee table.

‘Oh, look, they match!’ said Bernie, digging in her handbag and presenting a gold envelope of her own with a flourish.

‘You open yours first,’ said Serena, trying not to sound too nervous. She still wasn’t convinced this wasn’t a terrible idea.

Bernie gave her a curious look. She tore the envelope open, threw it on the table, opened the card inside, and took out the gift certificate. She snorted, and then she started to laugh properly.

Serena tensed. ‘It isn’t… I’m sorry, if it’s too silly, we can…’

‘No, Serena, it’s perfect! I love it! You do realise you’re coming with me?’

‘What, me? I thought you could take Cameron or something…’

‘Serena Campbell, if I’m going to fling myself down a hill in a giant plastic ball, you are _absolutely_ doing it as well. I can’t wait! How soon do you think we can book a slot?’

‘Do you really like it? I know zorbing isn’t exactly on the list of the top ten most romantic presents, but…’

Bernie took Serena’s hands in hers. ‘It’s incredibly romantic. It’ll be exciting. Thank you, I really do love it.’

She pulled Serena closer, kissed her deeply, and Serena let go of her anxiety and let herself accept that she’d chosen well. That was the thing with Bernie. She didn’t really like _things_. She liked experiences. And if she was genuinely excited to roll around like a giant hamster, well, Serena was happy for her. Although she wasn’t entirely sure about joining her.

They broke apart, and Bernie smiled at her. ‘Go on then, open yours,’ she said.

Serena peeled the envelope open and eased out the card. The picture on the front was two penguins holding hands in Santa hats.

‘That’s adorable,’ she said. ‘I think the penguin on the left is supposed to be a boy though.’

Bernie shrugged. ‘That one can be me. I couldn’t find any cards with two girl penguins.’

Serena opened the card up. The gift certificate inside was for two nights in a double room at a beautiful and luxurious spa hotel. Oh, she could practically feel her muscles relaxing just at the thought of it.

‘It includes champagne and three spa treatments, but if you want any extras they’re on me,’ said Bernie.

‘Bernie, thank you, I love it,’ said Serena. ‘And do _you_ realise that you’re coming with _me_?’

Bernie winked. ‘I could probably manage to slow down enough for that, just for a couple of days.’

Serena warmed at the thought of it - two days uninterrupted, just the two of them, a gorgeous hotel room, champagne, maybe a luxurious spa treatment and then an early night...

‘Let’s book it as soon as possible,’ she said.

* * *

They both worked on New Year’s Eve. AAU started out crowded, and by midnight it was jam-packed, and so noisy that Serena only barely heard Big Ben chiming over the tannoy, and the distant sound of people singing Auld Lang Syne on one of the less hectic wards. She was too busy to stop, but at three in the morning, when things had calmed down a bit, she went up to the roof for a few moments of fresh air and found Bernie there, leaning on the railing and looking out.

‘Cold enough for you?’ she asked.

Bernie turned, and her face lit up. ‘Happy new year!’

‘Happy new year,’ said Serena, pulling Bernie close and kissing her.

‘First kiss of twenty-seventeen,’ said Bernie.

‘Wonder what else is in store,’ said Serena.

‘Well,’ said Bernie, ‘for one thing, a spa weekend and a zorbing expedition.’

This was the first time they’d looked much further ahead than the next shift, the next night together, the next weekend. Serena liked the way it felt.

‘Whatever happens,’ she said. ‘I’m glad I’m starting the year here, with you.’

‘Me too,’ said Bernie. She paused, made a hesitant noise under her breath, then dove in. ‘Think we’ll be celebrating together this time next year?’

Serena smiled. ‘I hope so.’

‘Me too.’

They looked out at the town below them - some enthusiastic soul was still letting off fireworks - and leaned into each other. They’d be needed downstairs soon, but Serena was glad they’d shared this brief moment to welcome in the new year.

Whatever it brought, they’d meet it together.


End file.
